. . . looking for His presence in a dark world
A spiritual battle rages in my soul. For almost two years now, my faith has slowly eroded, and I am currently struggling with some serious darkness. Hopelessness threatens my heart, and if I'm honest, I have no desire to cry out to God for help. Intense resentments have built up over time, and His inability to protect innocent children causes trust to fade. I desperately want to believe in God's goodness, but right now I can only see what's missing. My focus is clouded by my unanswered questions, and more doubts continue to rise as life unfolds.
In an effort to make sense of everything currently happening in the world, I was reminded of something a college minister shared with me concerning Biblical history. He said that from the time of Isaiah's prophesies to the time of Christ's birth, God was silent. He purposefully distanced Himself from His creation, and for five hundred years no spiritual activity occurred. Sometimes I wonder if God has once again removed His presence from the earth. I have faith that Christ will return, and the world will be set right, but in the meantime, this seems like a logical explanation.
I shared these thoughts with a friend the other night, and she brought up a very valid argument which stands in direct opposition to the above theory. She posed the following question. “If God is silent, how do you explain human kindness?” You see, this friend is the most gracious, compassionate woman I know. She pours hope and light into the lives of all who know her, and her servant heart ceases to amaze me. So much good radiates from her life, and when I consider these obvious truths, I know God must still be present in this screwed up, broken world.
One of the most powerful messages I have ever heard comes from the words of an AA Big Book. It says, “When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me, and I cannot find serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.”
There are always going to be things in this life that disturb me. I won’t always get my way, and every prayer may not be answered to my liking. I want to believe that nothing happens in God’s world by mistake, but this would mean surrendering to the fact that harmful things happen to children who have no control over their circumstances. This would mean admitting that my own dysfunctional upbringing was in fact God’s plan. I am not okay with that, and until I reconcile these issues, my deepest prayer is that God will patiently remind me of His sovereignty. Perhaps He has been present through all of this darkness, and I’ve been blinded by my own inability to believe.
James 1:5-8 says, “If any of you need wisdom, ask God for it. He will give it to you. God gives freely to everyone. He doesn't find fault. But when you ask, you must believe. You must not doubt. People who doubt are like waves of the sea. The wind blows and tosses them around. A man like that shouldn't expect to receive anything from the Lord. He can't make up his mind. He is unstable in all he does.”
I don’t want to be unstable. God, help me with my unbelief!