Why do I hate going to church so much? I woke up today wishing Keller weren’t so far away. In the beginning, I didn’t mind driving forty miles to hear Brandon speak because he was dynamic and his sermons provoked questions and deep thinking. Lately, his messages seem disconnected and haphazard. I don’t look forward to Sundays anymore, and they used to be my favorite day of the week.
If I am honest with myself, I know the issue is not the church. The problem is me. My spiritual condition has suffered during the last few years as I’ve traveled this road of disillusionment and frustration. I mentally contest every truth shared by local pastors, and I’ve grown to distrust most religious leaders. I can’t seem to get over the wounds I encountered from the conservative zealots who used guilt and condemnation to produce results. My perspective is skewed, and I filter every spiritual truth through the lenses of skepticism and doubt. Know wonder I dislike the sanctified eleven o’clock hour of torture I endure each week!
I don’t know how to fix this. I want to encounter God, but I don’t find Him at church anymore. I see him in the faces of my fourth graders as they rough-house in my backyard during an after TAKS celebration party. I recognize His presence when I share personal struggles with precious friends like Penny and Debbie. I hear His voice through the gentle, reassuring words of my husband who reminds me I’m beautiful and worthy. I sense His spirit when I’m attempting to set boundaries with my often overbearing siblings. God is everywhere, yet I cling to this archaic idea that I must experience Him within the walls of the church.
I desire spiritual depth. I long to feel connected to my Maker. I crave a vibrant, healthy relationship with Jesus. But I’m stuck. And I don’t know how to keep moving forward. Solutions seem elusive, and my old demons whisper, “Tenille, you will never be enough . . .”
My students were watching Finding Nemo the other day, and a particular line from the film lingers in my mind. I can hear it now as it reverberates in my head, bouncing off the walls of my brain . . .
“Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming. . . ”
God, please help me. I feel like my faith is drowning.