. . . cause I'm getting on my own flippin' nerves!
Every so often the winds of insecurity sweep into my thoughts leaving a destructive path of negative self talk. I start second guessing all of my actions, and my character defects seem glaring and unbearable. I begin to tell myself things like, "Why do you say such stupid stuff?", and "Nobody really likes hanging out with you. You're too high maintenence." Fighting these demons requires constant vigalence, and the fear of rejection can be paralyzing.
I sometimes wonder if I annoy those who choose to be in my presence. My over exagerrated stories and inability to listen attentively can be exasperating. Occassionaly, people respond to me in a tone which indicates irritation. Now, I am sure there are plenty of reasons for folks to get aggravated with me, but accepting their disgust can be extremely difficult. I desire the approval of others, and when I sense their frustration I want to apologize for existing.
I want to be liked. I want others to enjoy my company. I want to be accepted.
But I don't "feel" very acceptable. I attempt to fight off the lies using God's Word as a weapon. Sometimes this works, and other times I loose the battle. Insecurity is a vicious tool of Satan, and unfortunately I allow it to wreak havoc on my emotions. If I could ever truly grasp my identity as a child of God, perhaps this war with self-doubt might cease.
So I leave you with the lyrics to two of my favorite songs. One is by Superchick, a Christian version of the Spice Girls and the other is by Pink, my alter ego.
One and Lonely
It's not like they meant to hurt me
Watchin TV, checkin Britney, televised, my guys
Checkin out her thighs and I roll my eyes and sigh
It's not like I even need to be
competing with unreality TV, fantasy
Not for a smart girl like me
Some days it's hard to be a one girl revolution
CHORUS:
Sometimes I have good days and it's good to be me
Sometimes I get the best of insecurity
And it's quite alright to be the one and only
But today I feel like the one and lonely
It's not that I don't know beauty is only skin deep
Just the skin I'm in, not the girl within
But one imperfection takes away my grin
Not that I think I'm ugly but
Acne throws me for a backslide
I won't go outside
Makeup can't hide how I feel inside
Some days it's hard to be a one girl revolution
CHORUS
(Oh, the one and lonely)
We all have bad hair days
Those nothing good about me days
Just keep moving on cuz they'll be gone
And we'll still be here going on
We have our yesterdays
No lunch cuz the jeans don't fit days
Just keep moving on cuz they'll be gone
And we'll still be here going on
Sometimes I have bad days and it's hard to be me
Sometimes I get brought down by insecurity
And I have my days where I'm the one and lonely
But today I choose to be the one and only
Yea, I'm the one and only
Don't Let Me Get Me
CHORUS
I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
It's bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't want to be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
I wanna be somebody else