. . . man I owe my parents an apology
Note to the reader: This blog is probably going to be a hodge-podge of unorganized ponderings. I haven't written in a while, and most of my thoughts are disconnected and scattered. Read at your own risk.
It's 2 a.m, and I sit here waiting on a friend's sixteen-year-old daughter to return home from prom. The weekend has been rather uneventful, and I've found myself reflecting on days gone by. It doesn't seem like that long ago I was obsessing over my own hair and make up, preparing for what I thought was the biggest night of my life. Of course, in hindsight, I realize how unimportant these moments truly are. Babysitting a teenager can really put things into perspective for you.
Life can be so funny. I never imagined myself here in this place. Still single and counting. My 27th birthday looms around the corner, and I often question God's will for my future. He and I have been on quite a journey this past year, and although there were moments I thought my faith might crumble, we still seem to be pushing forward together. Many of my unexplainable questions remain, but some truths have recently resurfaced that reminded of what is undeniable. Jesus does desire a relationship with me. Despite my humanity, He pursues intimacy with a fallen creature. Sometimes this is all I can hold onto.
I told someone the other day I regret being "good". Strangely enough, I never imagined looking back on my life, and wishing I'd been more uninhibited. Most folks reflect on their choices and think, "Damn, I wish I hadn't done that", but me, I often wonder how much I missed by being so black and white. All the years I spent serving as the president of the "Holier than Thou" club have left me feeling sorrow over the message I sent the world and the body of Christ. My limited understanding of what being a Christ follower means unknowingly drove others away, and I certainly had no concept of gracious Christianity. I'm still not sure I fully grasp the depth of His love for me or for the world, but I know it reaches much further than I ever imagined.
God does hear my prayers, and although He doesn't always follow my directions, He is present in my life. I still want to be in charge, and the battle for control is unending. I spend most of my life cleaning up messes created by self-will run riot rather than trusting in my Father's plan. Awareness alone is never effective, and God continues to chip away at my unyielding sinful nature. I struggle to believe, but I keep showing up. He keeps blessing my life, and I keep demanding more. I am just like the self-absorbed teenagers I witnessed this weekend. Gag.
So, back to my subtitle.
Nora,
Forgive me for being a rotten adolescent. You deserve a medal.