an uphill journey continues . . .
A few weeks have passed since I last blogged. During this time, God has been agressively attempting to teach me His Truth. I feel overwhelmed by His goodness, yet I remain uncertain of His plan. I know He shows me unmerited favor, but it doesn't always look the way I expect it to. Accepting the will of Christ above my own desires will be the challenge of my life.
Confrontation has forced me to deal with reality. My ongoing struggle with honesty keeps me constantly on gaurd. I must begin to take full responsibility for my emotions, whether they are pleasant or miserable. The Bible says "An angry tongue conceals wrath", and when I refuse to express my feelings, I become poisoned with bitterness and resentment. Unfortunatelly, I still fear the response of those whom I must confront.
Learning to combat the lies of my youth has proved to be a daunting task, and often times I feel defeated before I ever deal with conflict. Recently I have been presented numerous opportunities to speak the truth in love and tackle the issues currently affecting my life. Each time I face my fears and delve headlong into confrontation, I walk away changed. I am stronger. I like me more. I feel empowered and free. Although I am beginning to reap some of the benefits of honesty, it still seems overwhelming at times. Fear still remains, yet with God's help, I am choosing to stand on the Truth.
Today I trust God. I believe He is the only unchanging force in my life, and at the end of the day, He will always be my hiding place. I've been a Christian for awhile, but this truth did not sink into my soul until I was willing to step out in faith and test Him. He has proved Himself time and time again, but because I have control issues, I continually fail to surrender to His perfect will. Fear keeps me from believing He has my best interest at heart.
I want to keep moving forward. I want to believe God. I want perfection -- yes, I realize this is an unattainable goal. I am aware of so much, yet acceptance continues to elude me. I suppose I can not act until I have fully released the areas of my life I am still trying to control.
Everything seems so intertwined. Life is an uphill journey, and if I don't advance, then I'm probably slipping backwards. I wish I weren't in the remidial class of life. But, for now I will welcome the lesson repeats. Maybe someday . . .
1 Corinthians 13: 12
"We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!"