Accepting the things I cannot change . . .
I suppose the goal of an Alcoholic Anonymous and Al-anon Family Group mountain conference is not designed to irritate you, but I've found myself quite conflicted this week. You see, I am a little pissed off about God's decision making skills. Apparently, He thought it necessary for me to be born into a family with a long history of alcoholism. I am not okay with this.
As a kid growing up in a highly dysfuntional home, I knew we had the funk. I learned early on in life that alcoholics were destructive, and it didn't take me long to grow to hate them. I specifically remember telling myself that when I grew up I would get as far away from the drunks as I possibly could, and I would not look back. I believed I had the power to escape the effects of the disease of alcoholism, but today I know I was wrong.
I do not want to qualify for this program. I do not want to belong here with these people. All I have ever wanted was to be NORMAL, yet I have continually failed at guessing what normal is.
For anyone out there who is unfamiliar with Al-anon, let me assure you I do indeed fit the profile. Rather than try and explain the purpose of the program, I will include the meeting preamble.
The Al-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength, and hope, in order to solve their common problems. We believe alcoholism is a family illness, and that changed attitudes can aid recovery. Al-Anon is not allied with any sect, denomination, political entity, organization, or institution; does not engage in any controversy, neither endorses nor opposes any cause. There are no dues for membership. Al-Anon is self-supporting through its own voluntary contributions. Al-Anon has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps, by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic.
Now, a few of the people reading this know my history, and they are probably thinking to themselves, "Duh? Of course this program can help you!" And those people would be correct.
I went to my first Al-anon meeting almost two and a half years ago, primarily out of curiosity. I heard a few things that sounded like my sick thinking, but my favorite part of the meeting was the last thing they read. Someone said I could "Take what I like, and leave the rest." I kind of liked this idea, and essentially that is what I have done. I've gone back to meetings on and off over the last few years, and I even got a sponser. I tried "working" the steps, but gave up after number three. Some of the slogans and prayers helped me change a few of my unhealthy behaviors and my perspective on life cleared up a little. However, I have yet to truly embrace their "way of life".
Unfortunately, one of the side effects of growing up in an alcoholic home is perfectionism. Because I couldn't do the program exactly right, I decided it wasn't really for me. I only agreed to go to this conference because it was a free trip to Colorado. How self-centered is that? Another character defect I have developed over the years is self-righteous critisism. I don't want to belong here because it might mean admitting that my thinking is as screwed up as everyone else's in the program.
I realize there is freedom in acceptance, but I'm not happy about identifying with Al-anon and AA. I somehow still believe the lie that my family is an extension of who I am, and if everyone knew how dysfuntional we really were, they might not want to be my friend. This causes a great pain in my chest because I love my messed up family and they love me. Yes, we are full of the funk, but we also have some amazing qualities like loyalty, faithfulness, and compassion.
I have not come to any final conclusions. I may go back home and renew my committment to my local Al-anon group. Or, I may do nothing. Someone reminded me today that the suggestions people give me are really not that difficult, and that living life as an untreated Al-anon is much more dangerous. I can't decide if I agree.
Either way, my soul does feel refreshed. One thing I am sure of is that Al-anon is a spiritual program. It directs people to a God of their understanding, and for that I am grateful. Maybe I just need an attitude adjustment.