Does it ever seem like your perception of reality is warped? I often feel as though my input sensors are defective when it comes to interpreting conflict and correction. A cloud of insecurity hovers over me, waiting for the right moment to prove what I’ve always feared. I am not enough.
Frustration overtakes me when I return to this place of self-doubt. My head tells me my worth is not dependent upon my ability to perform perfectly, but the messages of my past are so deeply woven into the fabric of my being. Silly, insignificant events trigger this diseased thinking, and if I’m not careful, I can spiral into a pit of needless shame.
The good news is I can recognize it creeping up on me. Like yesterday, when my supervisor suggested that as an educator in the 21st century, it is the classroom teacher’s job to sell the product of knowledge. The children of the millennium believe that paying attention and following a teacher’s directions are optional; therefore we must be dynamic and vibrant in our methods of delivery. If the kids choose not to purchase what we’re selling, the fault lies with the teacher’s inability to “advertise” effectively. This message does not sit well with me, considering I knock myself out trying to get my students to internalize the concepts I teach. No matter what kind of song and dance show I perform, I will always have students who are not prepared for the academic challenges I place before them.
My principal’s goal was to encourage us to seek solutions, not to make us feel defeated. So why is it that I walked away from the meeting feeling reprimanded and lacking in some way? Ironically enough, the message was probably not even intended for me. It was a collective gathering of all my 4th grade colleagues, some of which spend most of their day sitting behind their desk force feeding worksheets down the kid’s throats.
So here I sit, trying to figure out a balance between pushing myself to improve professionally and feeling like a total failure. Will this gnawing sense of unworthiness haunt me forever?