. . . our scars remind us the past is real
A deep well of sorrow lives buried within my soul. Woven into the tapestry of my being is the belief that I am a burden. The message taunts me constantly, and in moments of weakness, I give in and accept the lie. I crank up the volume on the tapes that tell me my existence causes other people’s pain.
Recently, a master manipulator convinced me that I was the author of her suffering. She explained that my presence caused her intense discomfort, and proceeded to rationalize her unacceptable behavior. This individual chose to reject me without ever stopping to consider anyone’s position but her own. The circumstances we found ourselves in were awkward for everyone involved.
Ironically enough, I wanted to justify her actions. I wanted to identify what wrong I had done, and own my part. However, in this particular situation, I have NO part to own. I have done absolutely NOTHING to harm this person, and just like an abused child, I am innocent of any wrong doing. Yet, something inside of me begs for an excuse. If I can come up with a logical reason for someone treating me this way, then I can fix it, right? I can solve all the problems from the past and win her approval by doing the “right thing”.
This woman’s inability to treat me with common courtesy left me feeling rejected. At this point, my childhood hurts took over, and all truth faded into the background. My feelings began to attack me, and the voice of the enemy threatened to annihilate any hint of reality. I sunk into a familiar pit where the walls are plastered with paintings of my shortcomings. In an attempt to empathize with her, I took responsibility someone else’s emotions resulting in a loss of my own self-worth.
Tears streamed down my cheeks as I battled the cruel monster of insecurity. Wrapped in the arms of the man I love, I sifted through all the thoughts and feelings terrorizing my spirit. As the clock ticked, I gradually found my way back to truth, and the fog of self-loathing began to lift. I reminded myself feelings aren’t facts, and slowly, I recovered from this brutal encounter where wounds of the past collided with present circumstances.