What are you supposed to do when you know the truth, but you believe the lies? For the last year I have been learning a whole lot about what makes me tick. I have come to terms with some pretty heavy crap, and in fleeting moments I feel like I've made progress. However, lately I have sensed myself slipping backwards. Old thought patterns are rearing their ugly head, and I feel needy and screwed up again. It's frustrating and downright sucky!
The fact of the matter is, I'm not where I used to be. BUT, awareness alone will not change my reality. I've got to keep fighting the good fight. How do I do that when I'm seeing so much regression? I have so much inner conflict, and believe me, God and I have talked extensively about all of this. He is saying, drop your bags and MOVE ON! I keep looking back over my shoulder, and toying with the idea that what I already know is more comfortable than what may lie ahead.
Much of this anxiety has been brought on by yet another change in my life. I'm having to start all over again at work, and quite frankly, I don't want to like my new collegues. I'm also being forced to be authentic with my new roomate, which doesn't feel natural, so I've reverted to my old fake self. It's really frightfully sickening!
Someone told me today that I have just come full circle. Well, to that I say Phooey! Full circle means you've learned something along the way, and I still feel as dumb as a rock! You'da thought I would have some things figured out by now, but no. I'm still just as confused as ever.