the balance between autonomy and guilt
Most of my life, I have been the poster child for people pleasers. Today it's called co-dependency. Regardless of the title, I have it. I spend the majority of my time doing things I don't want to do, because I am afraid of other people's responses. I hate dissapointing the people I care about, so I generally take on whatever personality they expect me to have. Unfortunately this has left me without an identity, and often times I have become an ineffective doormat.
When God first began to shed light of this issue, I was left feeliing so insecure and uncertain of who I was. I am just now finding my way. However, old habits die hard, and of course I fear the other extreme. I don't want to be a bulldozer who always demands his way and never considers other's feelings. This is where guilt comes in and attempts to keep me trapped in destructive thinking patterns.
This morning I was invited to have lunch with my roomate and my sister. Due to an overnight babysitting commitment, I didn't get home until mid-morning, and as soon as I walked in the door, I was instructed to "go get ready". My initial reaction was to obey. They asked me to go with them, so I was obligated to join them on their afternoon outing. On the inside, I knew what I wanted. I preferred to stay at home and catch up on some laundry. I needed to run errands, get my oil changed, and do a little shopping. Lunch at Panera Bread was not what I had on my agenda. I figured I should go, just because. At this poing I realized the "should" was the driving force in my decision making process. Not good for a recovering people pleaser! I told my roomies I had changed my mind, and decided to pass on the lunch invitiation.
Now to some of you out there, this may seem like no big deal, but for me, it was a huge step in the direciton of autonomy. Very seldom do I understand where I begin and others end. It's a monumental challenge for me to express what I want and need. Most of the time it only makes me feel selfish and unkind. I certainly do not want to become so self centered, that my wants and needs are put above all others. Where is the balance, and should there even be a balance? Doesn't Christ call us to serve sacrificially?
More questions than answers. Wisdom welcome.