The holiday break has given me extra time to reflect on my current relationship with God. It seems as if I've been plunging through this thing called life full force these last few months, not really pausing long enough to ask the question, "What is God doing in my heart ?"
This is unusual for me. Typically, I'm an analyzer. I spend entirely too much time thinking every minor detail of life through. I've recently made a conscious decision to live in the present moment, and take things one day at a time. This is actually harder than you might think, considering the fact that I harbor an immense amount of fear about being in the center of God's will. I don't want to make mistakes, and I certainly don't want to distance myself from my creator. Unfortunately, this is how I've been feeling lately due to a couple of different catalyst.
My concept of right and wrong has become a little gray. I used to see everything through black and white lenses. There was no room for individual convicition, and I wanted everyone to be like me so I didn't have to feel so insecure. My faith has been challenged due to this new way of thinking, and I've become extremely disillusioned with organized religion. Church is not longer a pleasant experience for me, and I'm currently looking for a new place of worship. I feel confident that God will lead me in the direction I need to go, but because my identity has been wrapped up in "playing church" my whole life, this new spirtual plain often feels uncomfortable.
Not too long ago, I had a converstation with someone I consider spritually grounded. I was sharing my faith struggles with him, and his response was refreshing. He explained that all relationships are constantly changing. When you are married, your relationship with your spouse is not always consistent. There are times when you feel passionately in love with your partner, and there are other times when you must work to maintain connection. The relationship evolves. Sometimes it's growing. Sometimes it's stagnant. Either way, it still exist.
I believe my walk with God is somewhat similar. The difference is He is not human. The way Christ feels about me never changes.
I am always God's child. Even when I don't understand what He is up to.
I wish the church would spend more time focusing on this truth, rather than beating us over the head with a long list of "do's" and "dont's" created to make us feel like we have something to do with our own salvation. I'm tired of carrying the burden of perfection, and I think this fluid faith is liberating.
May God be gentle with me as I wade through these unchartered waters.