Do you like who you are? If someone asked you how you feel about you, how would you answer? Do you really love the person living in your skin? What is your perception of yourself? And does it even matter?
All of these questions leave me wondering if anyone truly appreciates who they are. Yesterday I was confronted with these issues, and when all was said and done, I realized I feel incomplete.
All my life there was a certain role I played. This role became my identity. It is how I gained worth. I placed all my value on how well I could perform in this role. When I failed, I would just try harder. Perfection was the goal, and if I ever finally arrived then maybe, just maybe someone would love me. Who I was, was not enough.
This revelation sheds so much light on how I've coped with life. I don't like me, and I'm terrified you won't either. So I work really hard at being good. I try my best to please. At the end of the day, I am still found wanting. Somehow I must be flawed.
You see, my parents left when I was little. Ever since then I've been trying to understand why. For 24 years I have believed there was something wrong with me. I spent my whole life thinking if I was just good enough, then they would have stayed. Not a good way to view yourself. I am currently learning to combat these lies, but the damage has been done.
I want to learn to like me. I want to believe that I have worth just because God says I do. I want desperately to find my identity in Christ. Changing my role may be the key. Finding out who I am seems to be a good starting place. Figuring out what I want and need is the goal.
This is part of my journey and I will walk the path with God. Little by little, He is shedding truth into my wounded heart. Someday I will love me. Hopefully someday soon.