. . . slipping into self-deception or reality?
I have spent the last few months of my life feeling "normal". I can't quite put my finger on how this all came to pass, but I knew something inside me had shifted. I no longer felt like the desperate, needy Tenille I've always been. I practiced setting boundaries with those I care for, and I worked very hard to stay in the present. I could feel confidence growing with each new behavior, and my reflections were becoming more and more positive in nature. Life was looking good.
Unfortunately, I found myself in my old skin last night, and it was uncofortable. After a long holiday weekend with my biological family, I returned home feeling just as crazy as ever. An old relationship stirred up some dormant fears, and a new relationship left me feeling codependent and unhealthy. To top things off, my bulldozer big sister made some irrational decisions concerning her daughter's visit, and I was physically exhausted. Someone once taught me that you should not make any major life decisions when your are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired (H.A.L.T.), so I attempted to sleep on all these hightened emotions. I woke up this morning with a little more perspective, so I sat down at the computer to write hoping to process all the chaos I was swimming in.
As I write these words, I wonder how much of what I've been feeling recently has been authentic growth and how much is just hopeful thinking. I desperately want to believe that I have changed. Momentary lapses in sanity are much better than a lifestyle of fear and insecurity. I am not completely healed of all my funk. I'm not sure that will ever occur, but I must cling to the baby steps I've taken to stabilize my emotions and behaviors. Doing life differently is work, and I want to believe there is a pay-off along the way. All human interaction presents an opportunity for growth, so I guess I should just be grateful for my present circumstances.
If it's all falling down, I hope it's more like a "Watch for Falling Rock" warning sign, rather than a full blown avalanche.