what i've learned along the way
. . . slipping into self-deception or reality?
Published on December 26, 2005 By lobsterhunter In Misc
I have spent the last few months of my life feeling "normal". I can't quite put my finger on how this all came to pass, but I knew something inside me had shifted. I no longer felt like the desperate, needy Tenille I've always been. I practiced setting boundaries with those I care for, and I worked very hard to stay in the present. I could feel confidence growing with each new behavior, and my reflections were becoming more and more positive in nature. Life was looking good.

Unfortunately, I found myself in my old skin last night, and it was uncofortable. After a long holiday weekend with my biological family, I returned home feeling just as crazy as ever. An old relationship stirred up some dormant fears, and a new relationship left me feeling codependent and unhealthy. To top things off, my bulldozer big sister made some irrational decisions concerning her daughter's visit, and I was physically exhausted. Someone once taught me that you should not make any major life decisions when your are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired (H.A.L.T.), so I attempted to sleep on all these hightened emotions. I woke up this morning with a little more perspective, so I sat down at the computer to write hoping to process all the chaos I was swimming in.

As I write these words, I wonder how much of what I've been feeling recently has been authentic growth and how much is just hopeful thinking. I desperately want to believe that I have changed. Momentary lapses in sanity are much better than a lifestyle of fear and insecurity. I am not completely healed of all my funk. I'm not sure that will ever occur, but I must cling to the baby steps I've taken to stabilize my emotions and behaviors. Doing life differently is work, and I want to believe there is a pay-off along the way. All human interaction presents an opportunity for growth, so I guess I should just be grateful for my present circumstances.

If it's all falling down, I hope it's more like a "Watch for Falling Rock" warning sign, rather than a full blown avalanche.

Comments
on Dec 26, 2005
((((((((((((((((Tenille))))))))))))))))))) It sounds as though you have made some serious progress. The fact that your interaction with your family has caused you to be uncomfortable says that you are not the same person you were in days gone by... that's a GOOD thing. You've changed. You've grown.

I don't think life is ever going to be "easy," per se... for any of us. There will always be ups and downs. Don't let one rough weekend shake your resolve. It sounds to me like you're taking it all in stride and rationally dissecting things. Don't think too much... and don't worry over things that haven't happened yet. There are plenty of realities to worry about as it is... take it day by day. Rest in the moment.

The fact that you're even thinking this way, seeing warning signs... that speaks volumes. Someone who has already sunken into their past way of dealing with things wouldn't even realize the danger. You're ok... I pray you'll have a blessed New Year.
on Dec 26, 2005
Don't let one rough weekend shake your resolve. It sounds to me like you're taking it all in stride and rationally dissecting things. Don't think too much...


HC,

Thank you for your wise words of encouragement. I don't know you, but I can tell by your advice, you understand my frustration. I appreciate you pointing out the growth you see. Have a wonderful day!
on Dec 28, 2005

just so you know ((((()))))  means HC just gave you a big hug.

Isn't that lovely?

Trinitie

on Dec 29, 2005
normal or not so much normals is what it all boils down to. you think everything is going to be okay and then it hits you hard all over and it feels like what you were feeling. Hope it all gets better for you soon girl.
on Dec 29, 2005
normal or not so much normals is what it all boils down to. you think everything is going to be okay and then it hits you hard all over and it feels like what you were feeling. Hope it all gets better for you soon girl.
on Dec 29, 2005
normal or not so much normals is what it all boils down to. you think everything is going to be okay and then it hits you hard all over and it feels like what you were feeling. Hope it all gets better for you soon girl.
on Dec 29, 2005
you should not make any major life decisions when your are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired (H.A.L.T.),

That is simply brilliant. If I'd known that years ago, life might be a lot different now. Then again, if I'm not one of those things I'm another, so when is a good time to make a decision?!

Doing life differently is work, and I want to believe there is a pay-off along the way.

So wise. How strong you are. Right now I don't have the strength to "do life differently," but it makes perfect sense to me that that's what needs to happen. Keep working on those muscles, it sounds like you're doing great.