Preface: I’m not depressed. Life isn’t awful. I just needed to release these thoughts. No need to worry!
What does it mean to be content? This question plagues me, because as I walk through this journey we call life, contentment seems to be just outside my reach. I keep hoping someone or something is going to suddenly make life wonderful, but deep in my soul I know this way of thinking will only leave me disappointed and unsatisfied.
This is not how I imagined my life would look.
I never wanted to buy a new home on my own.
I didn’t want to mow the yard by myself or independently assemble a grill.
I want someone to take Sunday afternoon naps with, and someone to hold my hand at the movies.
I want a knight in shining armor to walk beside me.
I want to be married and have a family.
I suppose I must acknowledge the God shaped void that seems to eat away at my soul. If He is the only thing that satisfies, then why am I still so thirsty? Why do I long for companionship? Why can’t I just be happy where I am? Why does 26 feel like 40?
This Eyeore mentality is never productive. My life is really not all that bad. I don’t have to do all the things I mentioned on my own. I have wonderful friends who walk beside me and surrogate parents who help me with domestic chores. (Thanks Bruce for helping me with the propane!) God has blessed my life, but it never seems to be enough. I always want more. I always long for that which I do not have.
Of course, the only alternative is to accept life on life’s terms. Acceptance causes hope to fade. When I continue holding out for something more, I find myself disillusioned and disappointed. Things don’t go my way, and I don’t get what I want. I am such a BRAT!
Deep down, I know I am not alone. It's just that sometimes I feel alone. Occasionally, being single sucks.