A deep well of sorrow lives buried within my soul. Woven into the tapestry of my being is the belief that I am a burden. The message taunts me constantly, and in moments of weakness, I give in and accept the lie. I crank up the volume on the tapes that tell me my existence causes other people’s pain. Recently, a master manipulator convinced me that I was the author of her suffering. She explained that my presence caused her intense discomfort, and proceeded to rationalize her unacceptable...

My husband and I had a fantastic date night yesterday. We've been staying in Houston for an educational business conference, and when Chris arrived home we took a quick dip in the hotel swimming pool. The hot afternoon sun was a welcomed guest after days and days of cloudy skies. It's been raining like crazy all across Texas, and we were hoping to escape Mother Nature by heading further south. After our outdoor excursion, we took a quick shower and got gussied up for a fancy dinner at the...

My Aunt Nila stopped by my house yesterday afternoon. She and her husband, Donald, were in the Metroplex visiting their children, and she called to see if the rumors she'd been hearing about my elopement were true. I told her all about my destination wedding to California and caught her up to speed on all the recent happenings in my life. Out of thirteen children, she and her sister Rita are the only siblings who makes a concerted effort to maintain a relationship with me. Over ...

I've been hitched for a little over a week now, and everyone I run into has the same question . . . "So, how does it feel to be married, Tenille?" I find this inquiry to be a bit annoying. No one ever felt the need to ask me, "So, Tenille. Tell me. How does it feel to be single?" I mean, don't get me wrong. I love being married. Chris is fantastic, and we're definitely enjoying what others call the "honeymoon period". It's wonderful to wake up each day next to the man I've cho...

Have you ever read a book where the chapters are completely unrelated? You know the kind where you can randomly skip through the pages, paying little attention to what came before or after a particular event. The story unfolds just as it should, and each section of the novel holds unique treasures of its own. The chapters stand out independent of one another, yet somehow the story is woven together, forming a perfect tale that captures the reader’s interest. Other books are designed to be...

The only man I have ever given my heart to asked me to marry him last night in a bookstore . After four months of dating, I accepted his proposal, and I have never been more sure of anything in all my life. Chris is God's gift of extravagant love to me, and our journeys have led us to one another. He is everything I ever wanted and so much more. I am deeply grateful for the joy he has brought to my life, and I look forward to spending the rest of our days together. He is the man I choose ...

Have you ever bought a new watch? When you first slip it on your wrist, you are keenly aware of its presence. The band rubs against your skin, and you find yourself glancing down, inspecting the clock more frequently than usual. Your thoughts habitually turn toward this new accessory and you might even show it off to your friends. After a couple of days, the novelty starts to wear off, and although you are still aware of the new watch, it doesn’t consume your thoughts. Weeks pass, and bef...

I never knew belief in possibility could make life seem so much brighter. An unexpected smile sweeps across my face, and I find myself lost in thought more than I would care to admit. The fog is lifting, and for the first time in a long time, I'm trusting that nothing in God's world happens by mistake. I wonder how long these happy feelings will last? I will not allow fear to rob me of the momentary joy . . .

This morning I prayed and asked God to chip away at this stubborn heart of mine. I begged Him to be persistent as He continues to teach me about trust. You see, I don’t do dependence well. All of my life has been one big struggle for control. Self-sufficiency reigns, and I seldom willingly relinquish my illusion of power. My Creator’s patience astounds me, and I often wonder why He puts up with this headstrong child. Today He grinned at me from above, as I was forced to surrender to my helple...

There's a whole lot of crap going on in this head of mine, and although writing is generally a productive way for me to sort through my often distorted thinking, I can't seem to pin down the right words. The holidays have zipped by, and I'm pretty sure it will take at least a few weeks to process all the chaos that is my life. I kissed a stranger on a boat, got in a fight with my birth mother, and drove over three thousand miles. The washing machine is humming in the back ground as I type, an...

A spiritual battle rages in my soul. For almost two years now, my faith has slowly eroded, and I am currently struggling with some serious darkness. Hopelessness threatens my heart, and if I'm honest, I have no desire to cry out to God for help. Intense resentments have built up over time, and His inability to protect innocent children causes trust to fade. I desperately want to believe in God's goodness, but right now I can only see what's missing. My focus is clouded by my unanswered questi...

I've spent the last three days in my tiny hometown of Lefors. It's funny how it takes about half a day to acclamate to the culture of this little place, and before you know it you've been sucked back in. I'm always amazed at how easy it is to lose yourself here. There is a sense of comfort that makes you forget you have a life back in Fort Worth. Our six-man football team made it to the regional playoffs after 30 years of being losers, and the community is in an uproar. Everyone has dyed ...

Sometimes being a homeowner bites. Like when you have this wet spot in your grass that has been there since July, and you keep hoping it will dry up and go away. Finally you decide to ask your surrogate dad if it might be a problem, and he tells you to call a plumber. Things start going down hill from there. You get the bright idea to go to Lowe’s Home Improvement and buy a cheap, $6.00 shovel, thinking, "Maybe it will save me a few bucks if I go ahead and dig the whole myself.” Ha! ...

This is a pointless post. I have no idea why I felt the need to share this very insignificant happening. I'm only twenty seven. I shouldn't be writing crap like this . . . my teachers must have been right. I do have an old soul. On my way home from school today, I encountered an interesting sight. A young boy who looked to be around eleven years old zoomed down the back roads of Crowley, Texas on his bicylcle. I noticed him as I approached a looming curve, and I glanced up just in time ...

My big sister, Tiffanie, has been trying to marry me off for years now. A while back she came to visit me when I was living in my apartment in Fort Worth. Her four kids and husband were driving her nuts, so she took a mini-vacation and spent a few days relaxing by my pool and sleeping in. During the course of the weekend she informed me that I had a "cream cheese and bagel life", while her world was more like "peanut butter and jelly". Thus began our long standing joke about the joys and ...