"I can't handle this." "It's just to much to bear." "This weight is killing me." "I'm not going to make it" Growing up in a semi-Christian home, I remember my grandma talking about how God never gives us more than we can handle. I would sit in Sunday school each week and listen to my Bible teacher talk about how Jesus wanted to help us carry our burdens. As a child, I didn't understand how brutal life could be, so these ver...

So I went to a club tonight. I was with a teacher friend of mine who is recently divorced, and she decided I needed to be set up with some random guy she barely knows. I agreed to go, primarily because she is bossy, and I don't know how to tell people no. Perhaps there was a little part of me who was flattered to be invited. It's not the usual crowd I hang out with. The bar was extremely crowded, and drunk folks littered the walkways. Every one was smoking, and the music was so loud it wou...

I have spent the last few months of my life feeling "normal". I can't quite put my finger on how this all came to pass, but I knew something inside me had shifted. I no longer felt like the desperate, needy Tenille I've always been. I practiced setting boundaries with those I care for, and I worked very hard to stay in the present. I could feel confidence growing with each new behavior, and my reflections were becoming more and more positive in nature. Life was looking good. Unfortunate...

So my friend Bruce tagged me again. I guess this one is a little different. I suppose I could join in on the fun. 1. Seven things to do before I die: Experience the abundant, spirit filled life God promised Have a baby (precursor - marriage of course) Learn how to cook a gourmet meal Get my masters degree Travel to all seven continents Meet the President Volunteer at the public library when I'm retired 2. Seven things I cannot (or won't?) do: Anything athletic Alegebra or Geo...

The holiday break has given me extra time to reflect on my current relationship with God. It seems as if I've been plunging through this thing called life full force these last few months, not really pausing long enough to ask the question, "What is God doing in my heart ?" This is unusual for me. Typically, I'm an analyzer. I spend entirely too much time thinking every minor detail of life through. I've recently made a conscious decision to live in the present moment, and take things one...

Here's what I'm suppose to do: 1. Go into your archives. 2. Find your 23rd post. 3. Post the fifth sentence (or closest to it) 4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions. 5. Tag five other people to do the same thing. However, for some reason, her words struck a cord in my heart, and I realized how each of our perceptions are unique and valuable. I don't know how to do links, so these folks will just have to visit this blog. Brandie Trinitie...

Because my toxic thoughts leaked out into the unrestricted world of blogging, I figured I should attempt a public apology. I've screwed up so many things at this point, I'm not sure I can dig myself out of the hole. I deeply regret so many of the decisions I've made, especially my previous blog. I used this site to justify my behavior, rather than take responsibility for it. This was unacceptable, and I am sincerely remorseful about this choice. Truth be told, everyone involved in this s...

Perhaps a short history will help me see the situation more clearly: My college roomate becomes my best friend. Her 14 year old sister has two babies before she gets her driver's license. As a full time college student, I agree to live with my best friend and her infant and toddler neices after they are removed from their mother's care due to neglect. I become a co-dependent surrogate parent, willfully sacrificing my college years because I am sick and think my sole purpose i...

*** I actually wrote this blog over two weeks ago. Posting was delayed due to major life changes. I drank from my very own water hose tonight. It was a monumental occasion. You see, I bought my first home today. It’s one of those cookie cutter houses everyone seems to be buying, but I don’t really care. I like it. I would attempt to describe it on here, but I’m not too good with elaboration, so let’s just say it’s wonderful! A group of friends from my church and my two fabulous roomm...

I come from a long line of history nerds. I can remember my grandma reading my social studies textbooks from cover to cover evey year when I would bring them home to do homework. We often engaged in political conversations in which we would solve the problems of the world with simple minded ideals. She taught me the value of examining the past, and I am grateful for the sense of patriotism I saw reflected in her life. I inherited her love of history, and during this last week we had quite...

Every so often the winds of insecurity sweep into my thoughts leaving a destructive path of negative self talk. I start second guessing all of my actions, and my character defects seem glaring and unbearable. I begin to tell myself things like, "Why do you say such stupid stuff?", and "Nobody really likes hanging out with you. You're too high maintenence." Fighting these demons requires constant vigalence, and the fear of rejection can be paralyzing. I sometimes wonder if I annoy those ...

"So, what are you going to do with yourself all summer?" I have come to dread this question. Everyone seems to be asking it, and to be real honest, I don't have an answer. I am a school teacher, and although most folks would relish having two months off in the summer, I increasingly fear this season of uncertainty. You see, busyness is a much needed distraction in my life. I don't particularly enjoy being still for extended periods of time, and the thought of having unlimited blan...

For months now I have been struggling with the Sovereignty of God. I have questioned His goodness and doubted His power. I'm still attempting to sift through this stage of uncertainty, but today someone said something that brought me one step closer to acceptance. The comment was simple, and I've been introduced to the concept numerous times before. It wasn't new or profound. She simply said, "Tenille, we live in a fallen world, and It is what it Is ". This person reminded me that the ...

I'm currently considering purchasing a home. Some mornings I wake up ready to take the plunge and become a card carrying member of the American Dream. Other days I want to uproot my life and move to a foriegn country. The irritating paradox of stability and adventure leave me feeling confused and uncertain. Waiting on the wonderful can be highly frustrating. Especially when you can't even define what it is you really want.

I witnessed something tonight that left my spirit feeling a bit uneasy. My church held a revival meeting called Team Impact, in which a group of body builders preformed astonishing feats of strength. Apparently, these herculean accomplishments were designed to draw people to Jesus. The connection between annihilating a stack of flaming bricks and the saving grace of Christ seemed ambiguous. All the way home in my car, I questioned the validity of such a performance. I asked Go...