Do you ever have blah days for no apparent reason? Today was an average day of school, in which no unusual or out of the ordinary events happened. I went to bed early last night, spent time with God, and ate a healthy lunch. The kids were normal, and my team had no major catastrophes. So why do I feel so funky? I suppose there are some lingering causes from days gone by, but I prefer not to delve into the effects of the past. I feel guilty for feeling down. I know it's goofy. I mean, a...

My students agonized over a state writing test today. The day drug on for hours, and by the time the bell finally rang, we were all wiped out mentally and emotionally. As my students filed out of the classroom, I found myself longing for a peaceful place to hide away. I walked back into my silent, still abode and was overcome with how serene the room seemed. I sat in a student desk in the middle of the room and let my mind relax. All of my colleages had gone home for the day, and for the fi...

My lip is swollen the size of Texas. I woke up today, feeling the familiar pain of heat rising below the surface of my skin. This is not an unusual occurence. I get fever blisters at least once a month. I've done some research on this medical anomaly, and basically it's a whacked out form of herpes. They call it Simplex B, and it can be activated by the slightest change in your bodies' chemical balance. Apparently, my system stays in a state of confusion 24-7. The reason I'm puzzled by th...

Nora came to visit me this week. She's my grandmother and my gaurdian. When I was two years old, she and my alcoholic grandfather got legal custody of my siblings and I. My biological parents were unfit, and the state had reason to believe we were better off with a relative. I tend to agree. My grandma is an amazing woman, and as I have spent time with her over the last few days, I realize more than ever how blessed I am to have her. She was a phenomenal substitute parent, and continues ...

I wrote in my journal. I took a walk. I talked to God. The thoughts still resound in my head, wreaking havoc on my emotions. What do I do with these feelings? Where do I put them? A friend of mine would tell me to place the pain in my God box. I wish it were that simple. Part of me wants to talk it out. I want to tell someone. I want someone else to help carry my insanity. Only God can stand the weight of my need, and He seems distant. My friend had a break through with God. His Holy ...

Do you like who you are? If someone asked you how you feel about you, how would you answer? Do you really love the person living in your skin? What is your perception of yourself? And does it even matter? All of these questions leave me wondering if anyone truly appreciates who they are. Yesterday I was confronted with these issues, and when all was said and done, I realized I feel incomplete. All my life there was a certain role I played. This role became my identity. It is how I gai...

"I can't handle this." "It's just to much to bear." "This weight is killing me." "I'm not going to make it" Growing up in a semi-Christian home, I remember my grandma talking about how God never gives us more than we can handle. I would sit in Sunday school each week and listen to my Bible teacher talk about how Jesus wanted to help us carry our burdens. As a child, I didn't understand how brutal life could be, so these ver...

So I went to a club tonight. I was with a teacher friend of mine who is recently divorced, and she decided I needed to be set up with some random guy she barely knows. I agreed to go, primarily because she is bossy, and I don't know how to tell people no. Perhaps there was a little part of me who was flattered to be invited. It's not the usual crowd I hang out with. The bar was extremely crowded, and drunk folks littered the walkways. Every one was smoking, and the music was so loud it wou...

Who knew tires wore out in less than 50 thousand miles? Surely not a single, naive school teacher, whose been driving her 2001 Mitsibushi Galant for less than 3 years now. I mean really, why can't vehicles just take care of themselves? Car repair is a pain in my butt! Everytime I have to deal with male mechanics I want to smash a brick through the window of their squeaky clean waiting rooms. As an unmaried twenty five year old, I feel as if I am a target for being abused and taken advanta...

What are you supposed to do when you know the truth, but you believe the lies? For the last year I have been learning a whole lot about what makes me tick. I have come to terms with some pretty heavy crap, and in fleeting moments I feel like I've made progress. However, lately I have sensed myself slipping backwards. Old thought patterns are rearing their ugly head, and I feel needy and screwed up again. It's frustrating and downright sucky! The fact of the matter is, I'm not where I used ...

For years I have been telling myself I want more. Spiritually, I've yearned for the kind of faith that moves mountains. I've gone to numerous conferences and read tons of books, looking for the magic formula to make me passionate about God. Over time I've come to understand my problem lies not in a lack of desire, but in my obvious unbelief. So, what do I do? I sign up for a Bible study entitled, "Believing God", certain I'll find the answers I'm looking for. Instead, I've discovered not ...

I have a counceling appointment on Wednesday, and my mission (should I choose to accept it) is to define the term "normal". Now, I know my councelor is making the point that there really is no definition, but I need something to tell her. I need to at least pretend like I've done some homework---some searching. Help.

Why is it that we can always see God's miracles in the lives of others, but recognizing His faithfulness in our own lives proves difficult? Tonight I heard the testimony of so many people who have experienced God's guidance during trying situations. There stories encouraged me,and reminded me I have a Savior who longs to control my chaotic life. Finding peace in the midst of a storm seems abstract and unattainable, although I have readily seen this quality fleshed out in the lives of othe...

A few weeks have passed since I last blogged. During this time, God has been agressively attempting to teach me His Truth. I feel overwhelmed by His goodness, yet I remain uncertain of His plan. I know He shows me unmerited favor, but it doesn't always look the way I expect it to. Accepting the will of Christ above my own desires will be the challenge of my life. Confrontation has forced me to deal with reality. My ongoing struggle with honesty keeps me constantly on gaurd. I mus...

I have spent the last few months of my life feeling "normal". I can't quite put my finger on how this all came to pass, but I knew something inside me had shifted. I no longer felt like the desperate, needy Tenille I've always been. I practiced setting boundaries with those I care for, and I worked very hard to stay in the present. I could feel confidence growing with each new behavior, and my reflections were becoming more and more positive in nature. Life was looking good. Unfortunate...