My lip is swollen the size of Texas. I woke up today, feeling the familiar pain of heat rising below the surface of my skin. This is not an unusual occurence. I get fever blisters at least once a month. I've done some research on this medical anomaly, and basically it's a whacked out form of herpes. They call it Simplex B, and it can be activated by the slightest change in your bodies' chemical balance. Apparently, my system stays in a state of confusion 24-7. The reason I'm puzzled by th...

Nora came to visit me this week. She's my grandmother and my gaurdian. When I was two years old, she and my alcoholic grandfather got legal custody of my siblings and I. My biological parents were unfit, and the state had reason to believe we were better off with a relative. I tend to agree. My grandma is an amazing woman, and as I have spent time with her over the last few days, I realize more than ever how blessed I am to have her. She was a phenomenal substitute parent, and continues ...

Why is it that we can always see God's miracles in the lives of others, but recognizing His faithfulness in our own lives proves difficult? Tonight I heard the testimony of so many people who have experienced God's guidance during trying situations. There stories encouraged me,and reminded me I have a Savior who longs to control my chaotic life. Finding peace in the midst of a storm seems abstract and unattainable, although I have readily seen this quality fleshed out in the lives of othe...

A few weeks have passed since I last blogged. During this time, God has been agressively attempting to teach me His Truth. I feel overwhelmed by His goodness, yet I remain uncertain of His plan. I know He shows me unmerited favor, but it doesn't always look the way I expect it to. Accepting the will of Christ above my own desires will be the challenge of my life. Confrontation has forced me to deal with reality. My ongoing struggle with honesty keeps me constantly on gaurd. I mus...

I have a counceling appointment on Wednesday, and my mission (should I choose to accept it) is to define the term "normal". Now, I know my councelor is making the point that there really is no definition, but I need something to tell her. I need to at least pretend like I've done some homework---some searching. Help.

For years I have been telling myself I want more. Spiritually, I've yearned for the kind of faith that moves mountains. I've gone to numerous conferences and read tons of books, looking for the magic formula to make me passionate about God. Over time I've come to understand my problem lies not in a lack of desire, but in my obvious unbelief. So, what do I do? I sign up for a Bible study entitled, "Believing God", certain I'll find the answers I'm looking for. Instead, I've discovered not ...

What are you supposed to do when you know the truth, but you believe the lies? For the last year I have been learning a whole lot about what makes me tick. I have come to terms with some pretty heavy crap, and in fleeting moments I feel like I've made progress. However, lately I have sensed myself slipping backwards. Old thought patterns are rearing their ugly head, and I feel needy and screwed up again. It's frustrating and downright sucky! The fact of the matter is, I'm not where I used ...

Who knew tires wore out in less than 50 thousand miles? Surely not a single, naive school teacher, whose been driving her 2001 Mitsibushi Galant for less than 3 years now. I mean really, why can't vehicles just take care of themselves? Car repair is a pain in my butt! Everytime I have to deal with male mechanics I want to smash a brick through the window of their squeaky clean waiting rooms. As an unmaried twenty five year old, I feel as if I am a target for being abused and taken advanta...

So I went to a club tonight. I was with a teacher friend of mine who is recently divorced, and she decided I needed to be set up with some random guy she barely knows. I agreed to go, primarily because she is bossy, and I don't know how to tell people no. Perhaps there was a little part of me who was flattered to be invited. It's not the usual crowd I hang out with. The bar was extremely crowded, and drunk folks littered the walkways. Every one was smoking, and the music was so loud it wou...

"I can't handle this." "It's just to much to bear." "This weight is killing me." "I'm not going to make it" Growing up in a semi-Christian home, I remember my grandma talking about how God never gives us more than we can handle. I would sit in Sunday school each week and listen to my Bible teacher talk about how Jesus wanted to help us carry our burdens. As a child, I didn't understand how brutal life could be, so these ver...

It happens every year. Change comes knocking at my door, and I get all knotted up on the inside. I fret over things I cannot control, causing all other areas of my life to suffer. Everything seems to get turned upside down, and I start feeling funky. Remaining spiritually connected becomes a huge chore, and I begin to question whether or not I have progressed at all. God seems distant and I become terribly self-centered (not a quality I'm particularly proud of ). When I look through th...

I wore a red sweater to work today. I figured I might as well embrace the Love holiday. My kids at school were precious, and I found myself being silly with them all day. Joking around with your students can make the dullest day bright. Especially when you spend most of your time being dictator and babysitter. About mid afternoon an old friend e-mailed me with a very sentimental Valentine message. I couldn't wipe the grin off my face. A very insignificant comment made my day, and I ...

I had some friends over tonight for dinner, and things didn't turn out so well. I probably should have known the evening would go south after a woman at the bank called me a white honky and berrated me about cutting in line. She had an ankle brace on, and after moving to the back of the line and repeatedly apologizing for offending her, I seriously considered smashing her foot with the heel of my boot. Instead I smiled, and tried to kill her with kindness. Another woman who had witnessed the ...

I witnessed something tonight that left my spirit feeling a bit uneasy. My church held a revival meeting called Team Impact, in which a group of body builders preformed astonishing feats of strength. Apparently, these herculean accomplishments were designed to draw people to Jesus. The connection between annihilating a stack of flaming bricks and the saving grace of Christ seemed ambiguous. All the way home in my car, I questioned the validity of such a performance. I asked Go...

I'm currently considering purchasing a home. Some mornings I wake up ready to take the plunge and become a card carrying member of the American Dream. Other days I want to uproot my life and move to a foriegn country. The irritating paradox of stability and adventure leave me feeling confused and uncertain. Waiting on the wonderful can be highly frustrating. Especially when you can't even define what it is you really want.