My lip is swollen the size of Texas. I woke up today, feeling the familiar pain of heat rising below the surface of my skin. This is not an unusual occurence. I get fever blisters at least once a month. I've done some research on this medical anomaly, and basically it's a whacked out form of herpes. They call it Simplex B, and it can be activated by the slightest change in your bodies' chemical balance. Apparently, my system stays in a state of confusion 24-7. The reason I'm puzzled by th...

Nora came to visit me this week. She's my grandmother and my gaurdian. When I was two years old, she and my alcoholic grandfather got legal custody of my siblings and I. My biological parents were unfit, and the state had reason to believe we were better off with a relative. I tend to agree. My grandma is an amazing woman, and as I have spent time with her over the last few days, I realize more than ever how blessed I am to have her. She was a phenomenal substitute parent, and continues ...

"I can't handle this." "It's just to much to bear." "This weight is killing me." "I'm not going to make it" Growing up in a semi-Christian home, I remember my grandma talking about how God never gives us more than we can handle. I would sit in Sunday school each week and listen to my Bible teacher talk about how Jesus wanted to help us carry our burdens. As a child, I didn't understand how brutal life could be, so these ver...

So I went to a club tonight. I was with a teacher friend of mine who is recently divorced, and she decided I needed to be set up with some random guy she barely knows. I agreed to go, primarily because she is bossy, and I don't know how to tell people no. Perhaps there was a little part of me who was flattered to be invited. It's not the usual crowd I hang out with. The bar was extremely crowded, and drunk folks littered the walkways. Every one was smoking, and the music was so loud it wou...

Who knew tires wore out in less than 50 thousand miles? Surely not a single, naive school teacher, whose been driving her 2001 Mitsibushi Galant for less than 3 years now. I mean really, why can't vehicles just take care of themselves? Car repair is a pain in my butt! Everytime I have to deal with male mechanics I want to smash a brick through the window of their squeaky clean waiting rooms. As an unmaried twenty five year old, I feel as if I am a target for being abused and taken advanta...

What are you supposed to do when you know the truth, but you believe the lies? For the last year I have been learning a whole lot about what makes me tick. I have come to terms with some pretty heavy crap, and in fleeting moments I feel like I've made progress. However, lately I have sensed myself slipping backwards. Old thought patterns are rearing their ugly head, and I feel needy and screwed up again. It's frustrating and downright sucky! The fact of the matter is, I'm not where I used ...

For years I have been telling myself I want more. Spiritually, I've yearned for the kind of faith that moves mountains. I've gone to numerous conferences and read tons of books, looking for the magic formula to make me passionate about God. Over time I've come to understand my problem lies not in a lack of desire, but in my obvious unbelief. So, what do I do? I sign up for a Bible study entitled, "Believing God", certain I'll find the answers I'm looking for. Instead, I've discovered not ...

I have a counceling appointment on Wednesday, and my mission (should I choose to accept it) is to define the term "normal". Now, I know my councelor is making the point that there really is no definition, but I need something to tell her. I need to at least pretend like I've done some homework---some searching. Help.

Why is it that we can always see God's miracles in the lives of others, but recognizing His faithfulness in our own lives proves difficult? Tonight I heard the testimony of so many people who have experienced God's guidance during trying situations. There stories encouraged me,and reminded me I have a Savior who longs to control my chaotic life. Finding peace in the midst of a storm seems abstract and unattainable, although I have readily seen this quality fleshed out in the lives of othe...

A few weeks have passed since I last blogged. During this time, God has been agressively attempting to teach me His Truth. I feel overwhelmed by His goodness, yet I remain uncertain of His plan. I know He shows me unmerited favor, but it doesn't always look the way I expect it to. Accepting the will of Christ above my own desires will be the challenge of my life. Confrontation has forced me to deal with reality. My ongoing struggle with honesty keeps me constantly on gaurd. I mus...

I have spent the last few months of my life feeling "normal". I can't quite put my finger on how this all came to pass, but I knew something inside me had shifted. I no longer felt like the desperate, needy Tenille I've always been. I practiced setting boundaries with those I care for, and I worked very hard to stay in the present. I could feel confidence growing with each new behavior, and my reflections were becoming more and more positive in nature. Life was looking good. Unfortunate...

So my friend Bruce tagged me again. I guess this one is a little different. I suppose I could join in on the fun. 1. Seven things to do before I die: Experience the abundant, spirit filled life God promised Have a baby (precursor - marriage of course) Learn how to cook a gourmet meal Get my masters degree Travel to all seven continents Meet the President Volunteer at the public library when I'm retired 2. Seven things I cannot (or won't?) do: Anything athletic Alegebra or Geo...

The holiday break has given me extra time to reflect on my current relationship with God. It seems as if I've been plunging through this thing called life full force these last few months, not really pausing long enough to ask the question, "What is God doing in my heart ?" This is unusual for me. Typically, I'm an analyzer. I spend entirely too much time thinking every minor detail of life through. I've recently made a conscious decision to live in the present moment, and take things one...

Here's what I'm suppose to do: 1. Go into your archives. 2. Find your 23rd post. 3. Post the fifth sentence (or closest to it) 4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions. 5. Tag five other people to do the same thing. However, for some reason, her words struck a cord in my heart, and I realized how each of our perceptions are unique and valuable. I don't know how to do links, so these folks will just have to visit this blog. Brandie Trinitie...

Because my toxic thoughts leaked out into the unrestricted world of blogging, I figured I should attempt a public apology. I've screwed up so many things at this point, I'm not sure I can dig myself out of the hole. I deeply regret so many of the decisions I've made, especially my previous blog. I used this site to justify my behavior, rather than take responsibility for it. This was unacceptable, and I am sincerely remorseful about this choice. Truth be told, everyone involved in this s...