I have a counceling appointment on Wednesday, and my mission (should I choose to accept it) is to define the term "normal". Now, I know my councelor is making the point that there really is no definition, but I need something to tell her. I need to at least pretend like I've done some homework---some searching. Help.

For years I have been telling myself I want more. Spiritually, I've yearned for the kind of faith that moves mountains. I've gone to numerous conferences and read tons of books, looking for the magic formula to make me passionate about God. Over time I've come to understand my problem lies not in a lack of desire, but in my obvious unbelief. So, what do I do? I sign up for a Bible study entitled, "Believing God", certain I'll find the answers I'm looking for. Instead, I've discovered not ...

What are you supposed to do when you know the truth, but you believe the lies? For the last year I have been learning a whole lot about what makes me tick. I have come to terms with some pretty heavy crap, and in fleeting moments I feel like I've made progress. However, lately I have sensed myself slipping backwards. Old thought patterns are rearing their ugly head, and I feel needy and screwed up again. It's frustrating and downright sucky! The fact of the matter is, I'm not where I used ...

Who knew tires wore out in less than 50 thousand miles? Surely not a single, naive school teacher, whose been driving her 2001 Mitsibushi Galant for less than 3 years now. I mean really, why can't vehicles just take care of themselves? Car repair is a pain in my butt! Everytime I have to deal with male mechanics I want to smash a brick through the window of their squeaky clean waiting rooms. As an unmaried twenty five year old, I feel as if I am a target for being abused and taken advanta...

So I went to a club tonight. I was with a teacher friend of mine who is recently divorced, and she decided I needed to be set up with some random guy she barely knows. I agreed to go, primarily because she is bossy, and I don't know how to tell people no. Perhaps there was a little part of me who was flattered to be invited. It's not the usual crowd I hang out with. The bar was extremely crowded, and drunk folks littered the walkways. Every one was smoking, and the music was so loud it wou...

"I can't handle this." "It's just to much to bear." "This weight is killing me." "I'm not going to make it" Growing up in a semi-Christian home, I remember my grandma talking about how God never gives us more than we can handle. I would sit in Sunday school each week and listen to my Bible teacher talk about how Jesus wanted to help us carry our burdens. As a child, I didn't understand how brutal life could be, so these ver...

It happens every year. Change comes knocking at my door, and I get all knotted up on the inside. I fret over things I cannot control, causing all other areas of my life to suffer. Everything seems to get turned upside down, and I start feeling funky. Remaining spiritually connected becomes a huge chore, and I begin to question whether or not I have progressed at all. God seems distant and I become terribly self-centered (not a quality I'm particularly proud of ). When I look through th...

I wore a red sweater to work today. I figured I might as well embrace the Love holiday. My kids at school were precious, and I found myself being silly with them all day. Joking around with your students can make the dullest day bright. Especially when you spend most of your time being dictator and babysitter. About mid afternoon an old friend e-mailed me with a very sentimental Valentine message. I couldn't wipe the grin off my face. A very insignificant comment made my day, and I ...

I had some friends over tonight for dinner, and things didn't turn out so well. I probably should have known the evening would go south after a woman at the bank called me a white honky and berrated me about cutting in line. She had an ankle brace on, and after moving to the back of the line and repeatedly apologizing for offending her, I seriously considered smashing her foot with the heel of my boot. Instead I smiled, and tried to kill her with kindness. Another woman who had witnessed the ...

I witnessed something tonight that left my spirit feeling a bit uneasy. My church held a revival meeting called Team Impact, in which a group of body builders preformed astonishing feats of strength. Apparently, these herculean accomplishments were designed to draw people to Jesus. The connection between annihilating a stack of flaming bricks and the saving grace of Christ seemed ambiguous. All the way home in my car, I questioned the validity of such a performance. I asked Go...

I'm currently considering purchasing a home. Some mornings I wake up ready to take the plunge and become a card carrying member of the American Dream. Other days I want to uproot my life and move to a foriegn country. The irritating paradox of stability and adventure leave me feeling confused and uncertain. Waiting on the wonderful can be highly frustrating. Especially when you can't even define what it is you really want.

For months now I have been struggling with the Sovereignty of God. I have questioned His goodness and doubted His power. I'm still attempting to sift through this stage of uncertainty, but today someone said something that brought me one step closer to acceptance. The comment was simple, and I've been introduced to the concept numerous times before. It wasn't new or profound. She simply said, "Tenille, we live in a fallen world, and It is what it Is ". This person reminded me that the ...

"So, what are you going to do with yourself all summer?" I have come to dread this question. Everyone seems to be asking it, and to be real honest, I don't have an answer. I am a school teacher, and although most folks would relish having two months off in the summer, I increasingly fear this season of uncertainty. You see, busyness is a much needed distraction in my life. I don't particularly enjoy being still for extended periods of time, and the thought of having unlimited blan...

Every so often the winds of insecurity sweep into my thoughts leaving a destructive path of negative self talk. I start second guessing all of my actions, and my character defects seem glaring and unbearable. I begin to tell myself things like, "Why do you say such stupid stuff?", and "Nobody really likes hanging out with you. You're too high maintenence." Fighting these demons requires constant vigalence, and the fear of rejection can be paralyzing. I sometimes wonder if I annoy those ...

I come from a long line of history nerds. I can remember my grandma reading my social studies textbooks from cover to cover evey year when I would bring them home to do homework. We often engaged in political conversations in which we would solve the problems of the world with simple minded ideals. She taught me the value of examining the past, and I am grateful for the sense of patriotism I saw reflected in her life. I inherited her love of history, and during this last week we had quite...