"I can't handle this." "It's just to much to bear." "This weight is killing me." "I'm not going to make it" Growing up in a semi-Christian home, I remember my grandma talking about how God never gives us more than we can handle. I would sit in Sunday school each week and listen to my Bible teacher talk about how Jesus wanted to help us carry our burdens. As a child, I didn't understand how brutal life could be, so these ver...

So I went to a club tonight. I was with a teacher friend of mine who is recently divorced, and she decided I needed to be set up with some random guy she barely knows. I agreed to go, primarily because she is bossy, and I don't know how to tell people no. Perhaps there was a little part of me who was flattered to be invited. It's not the usual crowd I hang out with. The bar was extremely crowded, and drunk folks littered the walkways. Every one was smoking, and the music was so loud it wou...

Who knew tires wore out in less than 50 thousand miles? Surely not a single, naive school teacher, whose been driving her 2001 Mitsibushi Galant for less than 3 years now. I mean really, why can't vehicles just take care of themselves? Car repair is a pain in my butt! Everytime I have to deal with male mechanics I want to smash a brick through the window of their squeaky clean waiting rooms. As an unmaried twenty five year old, I feel as if I am a target for being abused and taken advanta...

What are you supposed to do when you know the truth, but you believe the lies? For the last year I have been learning a whole lot about what makes me tick. I have come to terms with some pretty heavy crap, and in fleeting moments I feel like I've made progress. However, lately I have sensed myself slipping backwards. Old thought patterns are rearing their ugly head, and I feel needy and screwed up again. It's frustrating and downright sucky! The fact of the matter is, I'm not where I used ...

For years I have been telling myself I want more. Spiritually, I've yearned for the kind of faith that moves mountains. I've gone to numerous conferences and read tons of books, looking for the magic formula to make me passionate about God. Over time I've come to understand my problem lies not in a lack of desire, but in my obvious unbelief. So, what do I do? I sign up for a Bible study entitled, "Believing God", certain I'll find the answers I'm looking for. Instead, I've discovered not ...

I have a counceling appointment on Wednesday, and my mission (should I choose to accept it) is to define the term "normal". Now, I know my councelor is making the point that there really is no definition, but I need something to tell her. I need to at least pretend like I've done some homework---some searching. Help.

I have spent the last few months of my life feeling "normal". I can't quite put my finger on how this all came to pass, but I knew something inside me had shifted. I no longer felt like the desperate, needy Tenille I've always been. I practiced setting boundaries with those I care for, and I worked very hard to stay in the present. I could feel confidence growing with each new behavior, and my reflections were becoming more and more positive in nature. Life was looking good. Unfortunate...

So my friend Bruce tagged me again. I guess this one is a little different. I suppose I could join in on the fun. 1. Seven things to do before I die: Experience the abundant, spirit filled life God promised Have a baby (precursor - marriage of course) Learn how to cook a gourmet meal Get my masters degree Travel to all seven continents Meet the President Volunteer at the public library when I'm retired 2. Seven things I cannot (or won't?) do: Anything athletic Alegebra or Geo...

The holiday break has given me extra time to reflect on my current relationship with God. It seems as if I've been plunging through this thing called life full force these last few months, not really pausing long enough to ask the question, "What is God doing in my heart ?" This is unusual for me. Typically, I'm an analyzer. I spend entirely too much time thinking every minor detail of life through. I've recently made a conscious decision to live in the present moment, and take things one...

Here's what I'm suppose to do: 1. Go into your archives. 2. Find your 23rd post. 3. Post the fifth sentence (or closest to it) 4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions. 5. Tag five other people to do the same thing. However, for some reason, her words struck a cord in my heart, and I realized how each of our perceptions are unique and valuable. I don't know how to do links, so these folks will just have to visit this blog. Brandie Trinitie...

Because my toxic thoughts leaked out into the unrestricted world of blogging, I figured I should attempt a public apology. I've screwed up so many things at this point, I'm not sure I can dig myself out of the hole. I deeply regret so many of the decisions I've made, especially my previous blog. I used this site to justify my behavior, rather than take responsibility for it. This was unacceptable, and I am sincerely remorseful about this choice. Truth be told, everyone involved in this s...

Perhaps a short history will help me see the situation more clearly: My college roomate becomes my best friend. Her 14 year old sister has two babies before she gets her driver's license. As a full time college student, I agree to live with my best friend and her infant and toddler neices after they are removed from their mother's care due to neglect. I become a co-dependent surrogate parent, willfully sacrificing my college years because I am sick and think my sole purpose i...

*** I actually wrote this blog over two weeks ago. Posting was delayed due to major life changes. I drank from my very own water hose tonight. It was a monumental occasion. You see, I bought my first home today. It’s one of those cookie cutter houses everyone seems to be buying, but I don’t really care. I like it. I would attempt to describe it on here, but I’m not too good with elaboration, so let’s just say it’s wonderful! A group of friends from my church and my two fabulous roomm...

I come from a long line of history nerds. I can remember my grandma reading my social studies textbooks from cover to cover evey year when I would bring them home to do homework. We often engaged in political conversations in which we would solve the problems of the world with simple minded ideals. She taught me the value of examining the past, and I am grateful for the sense of patriotism I saw reflected in her life. I inherited her love of history, and during this last week we had quite...

Every so often the winds of insecurity sweep into my thoughts leaving a destructive path of negative self talk. I start second guessing all of my actions, and my character defects seem glaring and unbearable. I begin to tell myself things like, "Why do you say such stupid stuff?", and "Nobody really likes hanging out with you. You're too high maintenence." Fighting these demons requires constant vigalence, and the fear of rejection can be paralyzing. I sometimes wonder if I annoy those ...