Why is it that we can always see God's miracles in the lives of others, but recognizing His faithfulness in our own lives proves difficult? Tonight I heard the testimony of so many people who have experienced God's guidance during trying situations. There stories encouraged me,and reminded me I have a Savior who longs to control my chaotic life. Finding peace in the midst of a storm seems abstract and unattainable, although I have readily seen this quality fleshed out in the lives of othe...
A few weeks have passed since I last blogged. During this time, God has been agressively attempting to teach me His Truth. I feel overwhelmed by His goodness, yet I remain uncertain of His plan. I know He shows me unmerited favor, but it doesn't always look the way I expect it to. Accepting the will of Christ above my own desires will be the challenge of my life. Confrontation has forced me to deal with reality. My ongoing struggle with honesty keeps me constantly on gaurd. I mus...
I went to an Al-anon meeting last night, and the topic was anger. It was interesting to hear all the stories about how people choose to deal with the frustrations of life. Near the end of the sharing time, I felt the need to impart a bit of wisdom I had learned during college, so I opened my mouth, and what came out surprised even me. I intended to talk about how there are two types of people in the world; pouters or shouters. A few years back a local pastor did a serious of sermons on co...
My lip is swollen the size of Texas. I woke up today, feeling the familiar pain of heat rising below the surface of my skin. This is not an unusual occurence. I get fever blisters at least once a month. I've done some research on this medical anomaly, and basically it's a whacked out form of herpes. They call it Simplex B, and it can be activated by the slightest change in your bodies' chemical balance. Apparently, my system stays in a state of confusion 24-7. The reason I'm puzzled by th...
Nora came to visit me this week. She's my grandmother and my gaurdian. When I was two years old, she and my alcoholic grandfather got legal custody of my siblings and I. My biological parents were unfit, and the state had reason to believe we were better off with a relative. I tend to agree. My grandma is an amazing woman, and as I have spent time with her over the last few days, I realize more than ever how blessed I am to have her. She was a phenomenal substitute parent, and continues ...
I wrote in my journal. I took a walk. I talked to God. The thoughts still resound in my head, wreaking havoc on my emotions. What do I do with these feelings? Where do I put them? A friend of mine would tell me to place the pain in my God box. I wish it were that simple. Part of me wants to talk it out. I want to tell someone. I want someone else to help carry my insanity. Only God can stand the weight of my need, and He seems distant. My friend had a break through with God. His Holy ...
Do you like who you are? If someone asked you how you feel about you, how would you answer? Do you really love the person living in your skin? What is your perception of yourself? And does it even matter? All of these questions leave me wondering if anyone truly appreciates who they are. Yesterday I was confronted with these issues, and when all was said and done, I realized I feel incomplete. All my life there was a certain role I played. This role became my identity. It is how I gai...
I have this friend. At least she used to be my friend. Actually, she was my best friend. We shared everything, our lives, our home, our hearts. I poured myself into our relationship, and now it seems as though it was of no value. Eventually the debts began to outweigh the assets, and the emotional roller coaster we have traveled on seems to have come to a stop. Sorrow and grief are now my companions. I was certain we would be lifelong confidants. I now know there are no guarantees in l...
My students agonized over a state writing test today. The day drug on for hours, and by the time the bell finally rang, we were all wiped out mentally and emotionally. As my students filed out of the classroom, I found myself longing for a peaceful place to hide away. I walked back into my silent, still abode and was overcome with how serene the room seemed. I sat in a student desk in the middle of the room and let my mind relax. All of my colleages had gone home for the day, and for the fi...
Most of my life, I have been the poster child for people pleasers. Today it's called co-dependency. Regardless of the title, I have it. I spend the majority of my time doing things I don't want to do, because I am afraid of other people's responses. I hate dissapointing the people I care about, so I generally take on whatever personality they expect me to have. Unfortunately this has left me without an identity, and often times I have become an ineffective doormat. When God first began to ...
Do you ever have blah days for no apparent reason? Today was an average day of school, in which no unusual or out of the ordinary events happened. I went to bed early last night, spent time with God, and ate a healthy lunch. The kids were normal, and my team had no major catastrophes. So why do I feel so funky? I suppose there are some lingering causes from days gone by, but I prefer not to delve into the effects of the past. I feel guilty for feeling down. I know it's goofy. I mean, a...
It's Saturday morning, and the room is very quiet. My roomates are fast asleep, and strangely enough there is a boy in my bed. No, it's not what you are thinking. A friend of ours brought over movies last night, and it was late when we finished watching them. He crashed on the couch, and this morning after I woke up, he crawled into my comfy pillow-topped bed hoping to catch some much needed Z's. I was already on the computer at that time, so no need to worry! (SIDE NOTE: If you are reading this...
Relationship Rules 1. Show Up 2. Pay Attention 3. Be Honest 4. Ask for what you want and need 5. Accept the outcome 6. Celebrate the "no". Someone recently gave me this list of rules, and I often find myself contemplating their validity . They aren't an accurate picture of how my previous relationships have worked. The first three seem pretty attainable, but rule #4, trips me up. I don't know how to ask for what I want and need. Most of the time I just expect other people to inherent...
How is it that we wrap so much of our worth up in what other people think of us? I readily admit that I am an approval addict. Other's opinions of me are a driving force in my life, and unfortunately, I continue to give certain individuals power over me. Notice I used the word "give". When I let other's thoughts about me control the way I feel about myself, I am responsible. I am learning that it is a choice. I'm a mind reader. That is what I do. I assume that everyone is thinking about me....
Do you ever get on your own nerves? This morning I went to school, and the day just started out plain rotten. My nerves were tapped out before my twenty-two 4th graders ever arrived. I couldn't quiet put my finger on the reason for my short temper, but I recognized how irrational I was being. My kids picked up on it pretty quick, and I felt like I had this bright red button pinned to my shirt that screamed "Push ME!". Every little thing they did just got under my skin. Of course most of the beh...